5) Tell Someone to Be Quiet at the Movie Theater.
Movie talking is one of the worst offenses in “civilized” society. It’s like people don’t care that other people are trying to watch the movie. Too many times other annoyed patrons decide to just ignore the chatter, but mostly they’re just afraid of confrontation. It’s up to you to save everyone from this blight on humanity. First, establish that someone is talking. Asking an already quiet person to be quiet will make you look insane. If they are talking, go up to them and say, quietly of course, “Could you please be quiet?” If they give you guff, follow up with “I’ve asked you nicely. If you keep it up, I’m going to get an usher.” That’ll shut them up, and if it doesn’t, go get that usher and enjoy the fact that you’ve made people waste their money. After the movie, you can hold your head up high as you run to your car as fast as you can in case those people are outside waiting to beat you up.
So, apparently there’s this thing called ‘Alpha Nail’. Yes, it is nail polish for men. No, we aren’t doing a giveaway. Go back to Jersey. Alpha Nail is nail polish for the kind of guy that thinks the word “sartorial” is what happens to the roof of your mouth when you eat a slice of pizza fresh from the oven. Alpha Nail is for the discerning individual that is neither discerning nor an individual. Alpha Nail is for society’s “Scrappy Doo’s”; the woe-be-gotten jocked midget with no tact nor shame and a thrice repressed desire to emulate his mother.
Remember Ananda Marchildon, that Dutch model we posted about yesterday who was fired because her “fat ass” was deemed too wide? Yea well she just won her lawsuit against the modeling agency. “Oh, I am so relieved,” she told us. “After almost two years of struggling I was finally proven right.”
This one’s for all the (straight) bearded men who have asked why women don’t seem to like their beards despite the fact that they’re supposed to be signs of manliness.
Apparently, too much manliness:
Both men and women said that with beards, the men looked older and more aggressive than they did with their beards shaved. … Vasey and Dixson wrote that their research suggested that beards did not evolve in early humans because women found bearded men more attractive (as Charles Darwin believed). Rather, natural selection favored bearded faces because hairier men were more successful at conveying aggression and securing loftier social status.
Competing anecdotal evidence: I have a big burly beard and my wife LOVES it. In fact, she gets upset when I shave it at the beginning of every season (yes, I shave about 4 times a year).
My girlfriend likes me better with a beard than without. Take that, science.
(Source: Los Angeles Times)
Night has descended upon the land. Super Tuesday has come and gone, and Rick Santorum finds himself alone. At least he thinks he is alone. Rick Santorum: [looking down at disappointing election returns] WHAT HAVE I DONE. Darth Gingrich: [emerges from the shadows] You are fulfilling your destiny, Rick. Become my apprentice. Step over to the dark side. There’s no turning back now. Rick Santorum: I will do whatever you ask. Just help me save the unborn. I can’t live without them. If they aren’t born, I don’t know what I will do. Darth Gingrich: …You’re serious. Rick Santorum: Of course I am serious. A person’s a person, no matter how small.