I was abroad looking for the next big story for Modern Primate when a local told me about a gorilla who lives alone in the wild. Gorillas almost never live solitary lives, so I decided to check it out for myself. Apparently some researchers who were also fascinated by this rare specimen had taught him a very basic vocabulary. He had a board with several dozen symbols on them, and he spoke by pointing to symbols in sequence. I ventured into the jungle and managed to find Gary the Gorilla, and what follows is my best attempt to translate my interview with him.
Gary, thank you so much for meeting with me. Can you just tell me a bit about yourself?
Gary. Gary 25 years old. Father was gorilla. Mother also gorilla. Proud to follow in parents’ footsteps – Gary also gorilla.
Right. So, Gary, what is your average day like?
Gary wake up, eat, touch sword, poop, touch sword more, sometimes throw poop. Gary like [to] climb trees. Sometimes Gary touch sword. Did Gary already mention that?
Yeah, you did. What, uh… “sword”?
(Gary gestures to his erect penis.)