She’s got her Spotify stream connected to her wall, which provides pretty constant updates on what she’s listening to. You want her to know that you like listening to music, too (currency of our generation, etc etc). But only the uber-cool, underground, above ground, turned mainstream, made a left turn onto obscurestream and once in a while throwbacks your audiophile friends talk about when they’re high and standing out on the street after a cool concert they didn’t invite you to. But you’re not high…and you’re on Facebook. And this is the girl you like. So you like all her music posts and concert photos and maybe nothing else, remaining aloof and yet seemingly musically inclined. You are: a Pitchdork
Read the rest: How to Treat a Lady: Like Her Likes
Skittles: Do NOT have your children taste these, or it’s sexualized “rainbow.”
Lucky Charms: A gay leprachaun pushing sugar drugs? Nope.
Funfetti Cake: You may think it’s white cake, until one of your kids chokes on the blasphemy that is the poorly-concealed rainbow sprinkles.
It’s not just food, it’s things. What’s a family-loving person to do about rainbow things?!
Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers: Your kids are begging for them because they’re laced with unicorns and rainbow pandas, but you must stand firm. There will be no gay interspecies polygamy in this house.
Crayons: Crayola has made it damn near impossible to avoid a rainbow stacked box. If your child wants the 128 pack of crayons, buy 128 different boxes of them and then spend the night before school starts separating each color into its own box. They’ll thank you when they have a whole box of Jazzberry Jam and not a lifetime of weird butt stuff.
Thong sandals: Don’t you dare slip your sweaty feet into Rainbows. Ew the word thong is notfamily language.
Apple Computers: Sure they’re great, but…when that computer freezes? Oh you see a rainbow, huh? That’s the dreaded rainbow wheel of death and it has reared its ugly gay head. THROW YOUR MACBOOK AIR AWAY.
Now, that you’ve set the groundwork for an evening of choice ass poetry…or is it choice ass-poetry? Either way, read on to find out how you can really tug at her heartstrings. The ones that are connected to her brain and her vagina. Like this romantic AND informative limerick you could recite in an intimate situation.
There once was a smart young lady
Who wasn’t ready to have a baby
With no birth control around
Planned Parenthood run aground
She stopped having sex. JK. That’s crazy.
In this age of internet, does anyone know how to do it anymore?? To prepare for a strong mount, it’s important to make someone feel good and comfortable and safe. Make sure to take care of that. Clear some space. You’re going to need some room for proper technique. Also, be mindful of your neighbors. All that hammering around can be inconsiderate if done at odd hours. (via How to Treat a Lady: Mount Her | Modern Primate | man, that’s deep)
A war on women? War on women! Women’s war. The ol’ womanly war. Le Waré. What is this “War on Women”? Is it a new mud wrestling tournament? Or a new action movie starring Gina Carano? Because everyone is talking about it and no one is explaining sides or mechanics or anything. And AskJeeves has no answers. What’s a concerned dude to do?