She’s got her Spotify stream connected to her wall, which provides pretty constant updates on what she’s listening to. You want her to know that you like listening to music, too (currency of our generation, etc etc). But only the uber-cool, underground, above ground, turned mainstream, made a left turn onto obscurestream and once in a while throwbacks your audiophile friends talk about when they’re high and standing out on the street after a cool concert they didn’t invite you to. But you’re not high…and you’re on Facebook. And this is the girl you like. So you like all her music posts and concert photos and maybe nothing else, remaining aloof and yet seemingly musically inclined. You are: a Pitchdork
Read the rest: How to Treat a Lady: Like Her Likes
Now, that you’ve set the groundwork for an evening of choice ass poetry…or is it choice ass-poetry? Either way, read on to find out how you can really tug at her heartstrings. The ones that are connected to her brain and her vagina. Like this romantic AND informative limerick you could recite in an intimate situation.
There once was a smart young lady
Who wasn’t ready to have a baby
With no birth control around
Planned Parenthood run aground
She stopped having sex. JK. That’s crazy.
In this age of internet, does anyone know how to do it anymore?? To prepare for a strong mount, it’s important to make someone feel good and comfortable and safe. Make sure to take care of that. Clear some space. You’re going to need some room for proper technique. Also, be mindful of your neighbors. All that hammering around can be inconsiderate if done at odd hours. (via How to Treat a Lady: Mount Her | Modern Primate | man, that’s deep)
FYI: Your mom’s a lady.
Now before you start raining down Hershey’s Kisses and floral bouquets and other pink-themed STUFF on this Mother’s Day parade, take a step back and give her the gift that someone else put together for you: coupons. All you need to do is right click + save as “momfun_momgift” + and Ctrl-P for instant Mother’s Day presents.
13 Ways(to Find Ways) to Make Her Go Boom In Descending Priority
1. Ask yourself.
2. Consult appropriate printed texts. Your BFF Maxim has loads of advice for a hot scenario in a limo in Tijuana on MLK Day. Or maybe you prefer a quarterly about gentlemen? GQ can show you great knowledge about “The Road to O-Town.” That one thing they told you to do with your tongue and spelling “abracadabra” is so boom-able. TOTALLY do it!
3. Turn to the REAL DEAL bible of all women everywhere: Cosmo. If the men’s magazines don’t give you enough to go on, head straight for this bastion of lady advice. Their suggestions of incorporating dental products are so spot on.
4. Do not bring up sex in conversation.
5. Check out “The Internet.” You’re on it right now. Anything that uses poor stock photography means they spent a lot of time formulating their sex strategies.
6. Ask an adult for help. This worked for homework assignments, figuring out if things were safe to eat and working with power tools. It’ll definitely work for sex. Parents know best!
7. Ask her boss or coworkers. They have a real handle on her work habits. And as the old saying goes, “If she’s a lady in the office, something something orifice.”
8. Watch The Closer. Is it an American crime drama OR chock full of secrets on CLOSING? TNT is onto something there.
9. Make a cardboard cutout. Of your ladypartner. Make sure it’s life-like, for practical purposes.
10. Excavate cave drawings. History is important and women haven’t changed since the dawn of time. This will tell you everything she wants and maybe a little bit about ritualistic killings.
11. Pay attention to astronomy. Find whatever constellation is brightest in the sky tonight and study it for some hot tips, especially where positions are concerned. Soon, you’ll be unbuckling her Orion’s belt.
12. Listen to all her records backwards. This is just a fun thing to do.
13. Last resort: Talk to the air next to her. Questions about what makes her feel good are a total mood killer.
Whatever you do, don’t use your words to talk about sex. Seriously, why are you asking her if this is true? Don’t talk to her!
How to Treat a Lady provides sensual advice every Friday. Brought to you by KK & Tien of Ladiez Home Journal, who both solemnly swear to No Dumb Girl Crap.