10. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t share life’s biggest moments
I would rather share my biggest moments with the people who actually give a shit about my biggest moments, not the people I’m pretty sure I went to high school with and whose names I only remember because I am friends with them on Facebook.
11. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t stay truly connected with your grandparents
12. If you’re not on Facebook you can’t publicly prove you are smarter than your friends
I didn’t realize I was an asshole.
the telephone was to be used to conduct business and business only, whether at home or at the office. This might seem counterintuitive to us now, but at the time, telephone companies didn’t want their precious lines clogged with “trivial” information like gossip or idle chatter—which was described by the men in charge as useless feminine twaddle (no really; the history of the telephone is steeped in explicit, unapologetic sexism). (via Hello? Is it History You’re Looking For? | Modern Primate | man, that’s deep)
- Why do you always have to be such a contrarian about big hits?
Because from everything I’ve read about it, Gangnam Style was created as a satire of conspicuous consumption — the point of which is to say something like, “you know how materialistic those people in Gangnam district are, with their expensive coffee and whatnot.” But like, I don’t know. And unless the rest of the US suddenly became well-versed in Korean culture overnight, I kind of suspect that this is the largest-scale occurrence ever of people laughing along at a joke they don’t get in order to avoid the awkwardness of having to ask someone to explain it.
- You really are the world’s biggest buzzkill, you know that. Isn’t it good enough to call it WTF Asia and leave it at that?
The idea that you can do something that’s funny or amazing and that all you need is the power of Twitter to spread it, or that if you “hustle” and have “passion” and you follow all these different cockamamie strategies that you’ll become rich and famous, or perhaps overthrow your government, or “disrupt” an established industry, it’s so obviously bullshit. But … it sounds great on paper. And given the record high unemployment rate and the general economic conditions America and most of the world currently has to deal with, anything that offers the promise of riches is what we’re going to cling to, despite all evidence to the contrary.
And because the myth sounds great, we make up these fantasies of what these platforms can do for us, and those fantasies get lodged so deeply in our minds that it’s virtually impossible to remove them.
Believe me, I know. I still think about Ashley. So when I argue with someone about how social media is bullshit, as frustrating as it is to have them just repeat the same specious “proof” that I’m wrong over and over again, I know deep down in my heart that the reason why they can’t accept the truth is the same reason this Ashley thing still exists in my mind: It’s because the truth sucks.
We want to believe that the beautiful woman can love the ugly guy. We want to believe that Twitter can give us a voice equal to a major news network, but … life sucks. There’s no other way to put it. And it sucks because neither of these things are not, and never have been, true.
BJ Mendelson, author of Social Media is Bullshit: What The Myth of Social Media Has To Do With A Beautiful Relationship That Doesn’t Exist | Modern Primate | man, that’s deep
Currently, I only count 16 Top Stories, 7 Popular Stories, and 18 Upcoming stories with no option to explore these categories any deeper. What’s on the front page is all you get.
Most disappointingly is the inability to see where your own submissions go. I submitted three stories and was greeted with a message confirming that the submission was successful before being returned to the front page. After clicking on “Upcoming” the new posts were nowhere to be found.
Likely it’s too soon to judge.
Geoffrey, can you come in here for a moment?
- Sure thing, sir, just let me finish licking my ass.
By all means.
- You rang?
Geoffrey, what do you make of this Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes business?
- Closeted gay midget Scientologist divorces your #1 crush from the late 90s.
*sigh* I’m pretty sure I’ve read that somewhere else before. Not to mention that it’s offensive in at least three different ways.
- Admit it, though. You’d click on it.
I would. I’d click on it elsewhere but I don’t think I’d be comfortable running a headline like that here. It’s like your idea for “book mashups that no one should write ever.” It was shocking but definitely went too far.
- I’m telling you, “Fifty Shades of the Color Purple” would go places.
Dude! Not cool! I think that might be the most offensive joke anyone has made in history.
- Then why are you smiling?
… You’re an asshole, you know that?
- You are what you eat.
Now how about this Higgs Boson discovery?
Hold up one minute, Geoffrey. From Night of the Living Dead to The Evil Dead to Shaun of the Dead to Zombieland, Zombie media has a rich and storied history. Surviving the inevitable forthcoming zombie apocalypse is a meme and subculture unto itself! What we’re seeing now is simply the subculture’s day in the sun!
- You’re wrong. This isn’t a recent trend, and it wasn’t born out of a community collective. Let me refresh your memory. Do you remember 2003?
Sure, that’s the year I graduated from high school. That’s six years before you were born.
- Correct. Myspace was barely a thing. Facebook wasn’t yet even a glimmer in Zuckerburger’s faceholes. For the most part, peoples’ moms weren’t doing much online and the web was still mostly used by nerds and other weirdos. Hearing quotes from Mel Brooks movies was as common as it is today.
Stop right here, Geoffrey. Mel Brooks didn’t make any Zombie movies.
- No, but his son Max Brooks DID write the book The Zombie Survival Guide that year. That book was the first of its kind to pull from the collective of pop culture zombie lore and frame it in a “how to survive” context. The book wasn’t exactly a New York Times best-seller, but within the still-somewhat-insular communities attending comic book conventions, the sheer fact that the son of the guy who made Spaceballs, Blazing Saddles, History of the World Part I, and plenty of other films deemed sacred within the hallowed halls of true geekery, the fact this his son had written a book about surviving a zombie attack was definitely a huge point of interest among the nerdiest of the nerds, before such a thing was considered remotely cool.
Well, that is an eye-opener. But that was nine years ago, Geoffrey. Where exactly is this going?
With the pixels sitting on the surface of your eye, behind the eyelid rather than in front… imagine the possibilities! If you thought it was fun to send your friends to a Goatse site with windows that evade closing, imagine a Goatse you literally cannot look away from, even with your eyes closed!
And what about the advertising opportunities? I know I don’t see enough billboards, posters, and other signage in every day life! I’ve been trying in futility to crush up advertising into a purified powder that I can inject straight into my eyeballs, but I think the pairing of Google Glass and Mr. Parviz’s contact lens display technology just might do the trick. After all, what is Google, what is Facebook, what is any mobile app or website if not an ad platform?
An attempt at viral fame ended in tragedy Monday when a 22 year-old social media intern took his love of internet humor too far.
Joshua Flaherty of New Brunswick, NJ passed away at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital late Monday night due to Sepsis, a bacterial infection resulting from a gastrointestinal perforation, following the rectal insertion of precisely 10 pounds of hickory smoked bacon.
“Josh had a really big heart, and he just loved giving people what they wanted,” said Flaherty’s mother Linda. “When he told me about the project, I thought to myself, Josh is a smart kid and he’s made good at this Internet thing so far. What could go wrong?”